The Boundaries of Girl Speak - Women in Communication

In today's world of Venus and Mars relationships, we have become pretty familiar with the concept that men and women communicate differently. We also hear, ad nauseum, how communication breakdowns are the root cause of all that is evil in our romantic relationships. But for women, communication gaps are both cross-gender and like-gender based. How we communicate the events of our life changes depending on whom we are talking to. It happens equally between sisters and husbands, parents and bosses, girlfriends and co-workers.



So, is there a "right" way to communicate in all of the different relationships we have? Are there guidelines for what we should tell friends, boyfriends, roommates, family and co-workers? Can we really "de-code" and create boundaries for girl speak?



The confusion starts with us as women. Even within our own gender there are different styles of communication. We have one friend who is an open book. We know intimate details about her relationships. We can recite her problems with her boss and co-workers.



We have heard every argument she has ever had with her parents. And, we know way too much about every detail of her sex life. She tells us everything and, although at times it may make us uncomfortable, we love her. The predominant question is, "Does she talk this way to everyone?" Does she tell her parents, boss, co-workers and casual acquaintances the same stories with the same level of detail? Probably.



Then there is our other best friend. She is quiet and reserved. We know what she does for a living and whom she is dating.



We know where her parents live and her overall aspirations in life. However, she never gives too many details and we often find out things after the fact. We think, "We are the best of friends, how could we not know that?" And, although we wish we knew more, we love her. The predominant question here is, "Does she truly open up to anyone?" Do her parents or boyfriend know her real feelings? Probably not.



But no matter which communication style we have, we still alter what we say when talking to different people in our lives.



Why? According to Deborah Tannen in the groundbreaking book You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation (Ballentine Books, 1990), female communications styles tend to seek intimacy. Women attempt to "negotiate networks of friendship, minimize differences, try to reach consensus, and avoid the appearance of superiority, which would highlight differences." Our communication style is a negotiation "for closeness in which people try to seek and give confirmation and support, and to reach a consensus.



" So predominantly, women are trying to achieve rapport and intimacy, and therefore, we will alter our girl speak to accommodate the people we are talking to. In an effort to bond, girl speak takes on an element of sensitivity for those around us.



Let's see this in action. You have just received an amazing promotion and raise. You are ambitious and hard working. You have been striving for this promotion for a long time and you are proud that you have earned it. You cannot wait to share your good news, but can you present it the same way to everyone? In an effort to be sensitive, how do you change your conversation with your unemployed sibling and your executive best friend? How do you tell your Parents so that they are proud and your husband who is concerned about being the main breadwinner? What do you tell your jealous co-worker versus the ambitious one? The bottom line is how should girl speak change with the people in your closest inner circle?



Unemployed Sibling
Anyone who is unemployed will have a unique sensitivity to your news.



Although you do not want to avoid telling your family, you may want to reserve your "over-the-top" excitement for someone else. You may offer fewer details of the promotion and simply state how it makes you feel. Given the situation, your sibling may have many different reactions to your promotion that really have nothing to you with you personally. Although he or she will probably be congratulatory, recognize that they may not express excitement or joy for you. Of course, also note, that if you had just lost your job, this same sibling would probably be the best person to talk to and could offer great empathy and compassion.



Executive Best Friend
Here is someone who has worked hard (like you) and has been rewarded (like you). Your shared experiences offer you a platform to shout from the rooftops and receive great feedback. No one else may truly understand your current level of enthusiasm. Your friend's thrilled reaction will make you feel closer and more appreciative. The details may or may not be important, but with this friend, you can unleash your excitement and pure delight.



Proud Parent
Even as an adult, your parents are often your biggest fans and your harshest critics.



Whether you like to admit it or not, you continue to want their approval no matter how old, how independent or how successful you become. In short, your parent's opinions remain extremely important. You want your Mom and Dad to respect your choices and be proud of your accomplishments. In this conversation, you may offer a lot of details regarding your new promotion: your title, your new office, your perks, and depending on your family boundaries, your new salary. All of these are status symbols and, in a deserved attempt to seek recognition, details take on a valued importance.



Of course, sharing details with your parents has boundaries, too. You may want to keep the facts of that embarrassing night celebrating away from your parents.



Breadwinning Husband or Boyfriend
In her book, Tannen makes it clear that women want intimacy and closeness through their conversations with both men and women. But what do men want? Male conversations tend to be "negotiations in which people try to achieve and maintain the upper hand if they can, and protect themselves from others' attempts to put them down.



..life, then, is a contest, a struggle to preserve independence and avoid failure." With this status-driven mindset, a man could be overly sensitive to your current promotion. This does not mean you should hide or downplay your news. It simply means you should recognize how some men may react and not be disappointed if his response is less than ideal. Like the unemployed sibling, you can simply be sensitive that he is sensitive. Share your news and excitement, but perhaps, wait to share the details of the promotion until he asks and is sincerely interested.



Jealous Co-worker vs. Ambitious Co-worker
The jealous co-worker is tricky. After all, it is not your problem that they are jealous. However, if we are honest, we are still worried how they will take our good news. Here again, in an attempt to be sensitive, restraint may prove more practical. Do not hold back on sharing the news, but do not give your co-worker too many details for her to stew over. The ambitious co-worker, on the other hand may see your new promotion as a possible advancement path.



Focus on how the company takes care of achievers by promoting internally. This is not the time to brag. However, you can let your excitement and passion shine through and show how hard work pays off.



The bottom line is people interpret all conversation through their own perceived experiences. If we ask an unemployed person if they have found a job or a childless couple if they want to conceive or an injured person if they are sad they cannot run, it can be interpreted (no matter how it was meant) as caring or inconsiderate.



We truly have no control of how our conversation or questions will be perceived. However, this does not mean we should hold back from communicating about the events in our life. As women, we have the distinct honor of being sensitive and adjusting our girl speak.